The lucid dream of James Wadman
It began when I accidentally pushed open the emergency fire alarm door in my apartment. The instant the door opened just the slightest bit, the alarms began to rage furiously and the sound penetrated my bones, shaking me like a violent storm. I grew fearful, not because of what I did, but because of the mindset I was in. I was unable to control any of my actions and I had no control over my thoughts. I could see in my mind that I wanted to run away, but I was not yet in control of my dream.
The alarm stopped just as suddenly as it began, but in a very strange way it never fully disappeared. The way the alarm shook my body from head to toe, the feeling it gave me of fear among an ultimate sensation of just being, never left. My body felt every impulse it possibly could and it woke me from my subconscious slumber. Finally, I was in control.
It was dark in the apartment, which in my dream was shaped to be much larger with glorious windows looking out over an evening animated like a Dali painting. On this night, I did not feel like exploring the world or creating conflicts. I only wanted to pursue these everlasting sensations that were sending perpetual shockwaves through each active neuron in my body.
I began my experiment by giving up my control. I would let my body feel like it had never felt anything in the world. Everything active. Every touch of air magnified by the dream. In excitement I began to call out, and I could feel my body calling out from my sleep. I wanted to tell the world of this sensation, perhaps my brother in the other room would hear me. The world would hear the pain I was in, but understand that it was a place I, for some reason, needed to be. But the world did not hear me, for I was deep in my dreams. When I called out from my sleeping body, I was only reaching into a more shallow dream state. I was so far lost from reality, I was in a dream within a countless amount of dreams.
I was lost for so long, I forgot what goodness was. I forgot everything but the night and the sensation. I did many things while I was there. I saw how far I could fall, I created a world from black clouds, and I threw myself from the skies to feel what it like to free fall. I created a boat on an endless black sea, and I watched the waves come closer until they could claim me as their own. I watched my own demons run free in my mind. All the while, every sensation I felt more extremely than anything of this world, but somehow it was all numbed by my inability to relate what I felt to the real world. Somehow that night I realized that Pandora’s Box was already opened. There was no way of going back. There was no way of every awaking into the world as the same person I was before opening that door.
-Written by James Wadman-